Senior Citizen Humor


Been there! Done that! Can't remember!

At our age, "getting a little action" means that the prune juice is starting to work.

Sign in local Doctor's office: "Patients with memory problems must pay prior to treatment!"

The only way we know what day of the week it is, is to look at the compartments in our weekly pill container.

"Well, Mr. Jones, I'm afraid I have double bad news for you..."
"What is it, Doc?"
"You have a bad heart and your memory is starting to fail."
"Well, thank goodness! At least I don't have a bad heart!"

Two of our residents met on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?" The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail." "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?" "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He's the man, officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'." "What? And you let her get away with it?" "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."

A Sun City Center gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to fit him with a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back to the doctor a month later for a check-up. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

As one of our residents was driving down to Winn-Dixie, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 674. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, diabetes and bouts with dementia. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't even remember if I'm 85 or 92 and I've lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. He was a bit hard of hearing, but listened attentively to the doctor. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. The next week the old man came back for a checkup. The doctor said "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" "I didn't say that. I said 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"

There was a couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "we were sitting here naked as jaybirds." "Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago!" "I wouldn't be surprised - one's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!

A man comes home and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 60 year old ass?" "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A resident walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here." she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man shrugged his shoulders, walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear." He stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."

A wife goes to visit her 85-year-old husband in the hospital. "How are you, honey?" she asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The wife is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, and talks to the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing? I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse "every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

John is lying on his deathbed barely able to breathe. Just as he is about to expire, the aroma of freshly baked brownies comes to him. He has always had a passion for this confection and thinks to himself... "if I could just have one more brownie I could die in peace!" He calls to his wife but his voice is so frail she cannot hear him. Not receiving an answer, he slides out of the bed and onto the floor. He draaaaags himself across the room and out into the hallway. Down the hall and down the stairs he goes ever so slowly, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulls himself along ... painfully ... hand over hand closer to that delicious aroma. He drags himself across the living room across the dining room and finally up into his chair at the dining table. He reaches across the table and grabs the tray of freshly baked brownies. As he drags the tray towards himself it makes a scraping noise, and suddenly he hears his wife yell from the kitchen: "The brownies are for the funeral!!!!"

A minister was visiting an elderly woman from his congregation. As he was sitting on the couch he noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asked. "No, not at all," the woman replied. After they had chatted for an hour, the minister stood to leave and realized that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he had emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts - I really just meant to eat a few," he said. "Oh that's all right," replied the woman. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

A Couple - both in their 90s, here in Sun City, attended a wonderful social evening and enjoyed each others company so much that they became very close.
As the days passed, they decided to marry. On their wedding night they got into bed together, clasped hands and fell asleep.
On the second night of their marriage they got into bed together, clasped hands and fell asleep.
On the third night, they climbed into bed and as he reached for her hands, she said, "Not tonight, Dear - I have a headache!".

A man was telling his friend, "I ate at a fabulous restaurant. Delicious gourmet food, the ambiance was terrific - gorgeous place. Their waiters treated me like a VIP, and, the tab was extremely reasonable."
The friend asked, of course, the name of the restaurant.
"The man thought for a while, "You know the red flower with long stem and thorns?"
Friend answered, "Rose?"
Man exclaimed, "That�s right! Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do you for you?".
The old man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse". The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?".
The old man replied "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Sun City Center Inn charges $63.00. The Comfort Inn charges $54.00. So, we do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

A man was standing in front of Winn-Dixie weeping. Another resident approached and asked what the problem was.
"My wife died!"
"I can see why you would cry."
"Oh, but that was nine years ago. Since then I married a young lady who looks after my every need. She's a very caring person, a gourmet cook and she satisfies my every desire in the bedroom!"
"That sounds really great. Why would you cry about that?"
"I can't remember where I live!"

A local couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leanes forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said, "You."

A man sitting in the doctor's waiting room keeps muttering: "I hope I'm sick! I hope I'm sick!" The lady next to him says: "Why do you keep saying you hope you're sick?" "Because, I would hate to feel this bad and not be sick!"

A resident goes to the doctor for his annual check-up.
After the examination the doctor comes out into the waiting room where the wife is.
"Well Mrs. Jones, your husband is in excellent health for his age. But I was puzzled about one thing - He mentioned that God turns on the bathroom light for him in the middle of the night?"
"Oh my... Don't tell me he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

And this one is absolutely true! A local resident had a doctor's appointment and had to take a urine sample with him. The only container he could find was a small liquor bottle which he washed-out and put the sample in. He drove his golf cart to the appointment, and on the way stopped at Winn-Dixie. When he came out of the store, he noticed that someone had stolen the liquor bottle!

"I've started dating the most wonderful man here in Sun City Center."
"Oh, is he handsome?"
"No, he's not handsome."
"Well, is he rich?"
"No, he's not rich."
"Well, what makes him so wonderful?"
"He can see well enough to drive at night!"

Overheard from two residents watching TV.
"Is that whats-his-name?"
"I don't think so."
"I think you're right."

There's a lot of AIDS here in Sun City Center.
Usually one in each ear!

A man ran into the emergency room at South Bay Hospital.
"Help me, help me. I've lost my hearing."
The doctor examined him and said,
"No wonder you can't hear, you have a suppository in your ear!"
"Ahhh, that explains where my hearing aid is."

Deputy Burt pulled a Sun City Center resident over -
"Do you know your wife fell out of your car about four blocks back?"
"Thank God! I thought my hearing aid had gone bad."

Henry went to an ear doctor complaining that his wife Ethel was getting hard of hearing. They were having trouble communicating. The doctor suggested a home test: "Go home and get in a room on the opposite side of the house and call out "Ethel, can you hear me?". Keep moving closer and repeating the call. See how close you need to be and let me know. Maybe Ethel can be persuaded to come into the office for tests." So Henry went home and tried it. After the fourth try, Ethel said "Yes Henry, dammit, I can hear you! This is the fourth time I've told you!"

Deputy Burt stopped a Sun City Center couple for speeding on Interstate 75.
"May I see your driver's license?"
The wife was hard of hearing and said, "What did he say? What did he say?"
"He says he wants to see my driver's license."
Then the Deputy asked to see the car's registration.
"What did he say? What did he say?"
"He says he wants to see the car's registration."
Then the Deputy says, "Oh, I see you're from Sun City Center. The most obnoxious woman I've ever met was from Sun City Center."
"What did he say? What did he say?"
"He says he thinks he knows you!"

One of the residents noticed a very pale man down at the pool. She commented about it to him.
He: "I just got out of prison after 45 years for murdering my wife."
She: "Oh, then you're single?"

A widow and widower, both of whom were confined to wheelchairs and lived at the nursing home, started to date. Their dates consisted of his going to her room and watching TV for the evening, during which time she would put her hand over on his manhood. One evening he didn't show up and when she saw him in the hall the next day, she asked why he hadn't shown up. He told her that he had started dating another woman. "What's she got that I don't have?" "A nervous twitch!"

Seen on a tee-shirt at the Shopping Center:
"My other body is in the shop."

A wife asked her husband if he wanted anything from the kitchen to eat while they watched TV. He said: "Well, you can bring me some ice cream, AND write that down so you don't forget. And put some chocolate syrup on top, AND write that down so you don't forget. And you can put some peanuts on top of the syrup, AND write that down so you don't forget." The wife can back from the kitchen in a few minutes with a plate of ham and eggs. He said: "I wish you'd listen to me. I told you to write it down that I also wanted some toast!"

"Well, is anyone doing anything exciting today - like going to the doctor?"

A golfer told the Pro at the South Course that he was going to have to give up the game because he couldn't see well enough to see where the ball went. So the Pro teamed him up with another Sun City resident who had good eyesight. When he teed off he asked the man if he saw where the ball went.
"Yes, I saw where the ball went!"
"Well, where did it go?"
"I forget."

A man died and went to Heaven. St. Peter showed him around. Having lived in Sun City Center, the man was somewhat disappointed with Heaven.

Or . . .

A wife prepared health conscious food for herself and her husband. When they died, St. Peter showed them around heaven - all the golf courses, tennis courts, etc. The husband turned to the wife and said, "I could have been enjoying this ten years ago if it hadn't been for all that damn bran you made me eat!"

A man and woman fell into conversation at the lawn-bowling greens, and he mentioned that his first three wives had died.
"What did the first one die of?"
"Eating poison mushrooms."
"What did the second one die of?"
"Eating poison mushrooms."
"What did the third one die of?"
"A broken skull."
"A broken skull?"
"Yaa, she wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."

Two couples went to the restaurant for supper. When the waiter took their drink order, each one in turn ordered a double-shot with a "teenie bit of water". The waiter was puzzled. "How come all of you ordered a double-shot of liquor with a 'teenie bit of water'?" "Well, you see, we're from Sun City Center. We can hold our liquor, but we can't hold our water."

I'm so old, I don't even buy green bananas, anymore!

With modern medical techniques, older women can have a baby. Such a birth occurred here in Sun City Center, so the neighbors got together some food and gifts and went over to see the new baby. After talking with the new mother for a while, one of the visitors said,
"Actually, we came over to see the baby."
"Well, you'll have to wait until she cries."
"Why is that?"
"Because, I forgot where I put her."

The people here in Sun City Center must be worth a lot - They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, precious stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

From a Valentine classified in the local paper: "Bill, I like you because you are under 80 and have great bladder control. Please be mine. Susan."

The people here in Sun City Center have such bad memories that when we hold our annual Community Easter Egg Hunt, we get to hide our own eggs.

I wish I could remember that funny joke about people who are forgetful.

I've got good news, and I've got bad news.
What's the good news?
They're going to start a whore house here in Sun City Center.
What's the bad news?
They're going to use local talent.

A man went into the confession booth down at Prince of Peace Church.
"Father, I've been married to my wife for fifty years and I've always been faithful to her, but last night I had sex with three young women."
"When was your last confession?"
"Oh, I'm not Catholic, I'm Methodist."
"Then why are you telling me about last night?"
"Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

A man was fishing at Swan Lake. Another man joined him and said, "Hi. My name is Fred. What's yours?" The first man thought for a minute and said, "How soon do you need to know?"

A women was out in her yard, when a man walked by.
He said, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am."
She said, "Well, maybe I can. Come on in the house."
When they got inside she told him to take off all his clothes and turn around three times.
He did that and she said, "You're 74!"
He said, "That's exactly right! How did you know?"
She said, "You told me yesterday!"

"I was sorry to hear that your husband died."
"Thank you."
"Did you get a stone?"
"Yes," holding up her hand, "8 caret surrounded by sapphires."

Woman to another woman reading the newspaper:
"Anybody we know in the obituaries?
"No, thank goodness...but there is an article about a woman who just cremated her third husband."
"Isn't that just the way...? Some of us can't even get one, and other women have husbands to burn.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow!

Pastor Bob decided to preach a sermon about "Perfection". At the start of it, he asked if there was anyone in the congregation who thought they were perfect.
One man stood up.
"You mean to tell me that you think you're perfect?"
"Oh no," the man said, "I'm not perfect. I'm standing on behalf of my wife's FIRST husband!".

As a woman was undressing to go to bed her husband said,
"Honey, you have the most beautiful face!"
"Well, thank you, but it's all winkles."
"Yes, but when you take off your bra and girdle, everything sags down and it pulls all the winkles out of your face!"

They just got in a new shipment of bras down at Walmart for the women of Sun City Center - 36 longs.

A man decided to streak around the pool.
He ran past two women.
"Who was that?"
"I don't know, but he certainly needs to get his clothes ironed."

Two couples got married and happened to spend their honeymoons at the same motel. The two men were in the coffee shop the next morning and recognized each other and starting talking.
"When I get back to Sun City Center, I'm going to go see my doctor. I almost wasn't able to consummate our marriage last night."
"When I get back to Sun City Center, I'm going to go see my doctor. I forgot all about that last night."

Near bedtime, the wife came into the room where her husband was watching TV and she had on a sexy nightie. He decided to go put on something a little more "comfortable". When he came back into the room, she was standing on her head in the corner.
"Why are you doing that?"
"Well, I figured that if you couldn't get it up, at least you could drop it in!"

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.'" She giggles and says, "Yes, honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said." "So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" He looks her up and down and replies, "Mission accomplished!!!"

A prostitute approached a gentleman from Sun City Center -
"Would you like some super sex?"
"OK, I guess I'll have the soup." (as in soup or sex)

The trouble with eating healthy food and not drinking and smoking, is that it means that you'll spend an extra five or ten years in a nursing home.

Be nice to your children!
They're the ones who are going to pick your nursing home!

Each generation has something that they think is cool. The younger generation thinks that smoking is cool. Our generation thinks that regularity is cool.

In Sun City Center, when a wife dies, women will make casseroles and take them to the husband (which is known locally as the Casserole Parade). In fact, it is said that women who don't even know the couple, will go to the funeral to check out the bereaved husband, and if he looks OK to them, they then rush home to make a dish to take to him. This prompted a local wag to write:

Don't too much pity those old souls,
Who lose their wives as time unrolls.
There're widows here, so say the polls,
Some standing by with casseroles!


A Prayer for Those Growing Old

Lord, Thou knowest I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.

Release me from craving to straighten out everyone's affairs.

Keep me from the recital of endless detail. Give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains. They are increasing with the years and my love to speak of them grows sweeter as time goes by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Make me thoughtful but not nosey: helpful but not bossy. (Although, with my vast store of wisdom and experience it does seem a pity not to use it all.)

But Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.



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