Favorite Humor


Favorite Music Joke(s)

A man goes on safari in Africa. When they camp the first night, he can hear drums. They go on all night long so he can't get any sleep. He mentions this to the guide in the morning, and the Guide says, "Oh, you don't want the drums to stop!".

So they journey on until nightfall, when they make camp for a second time. Again he hears drums which keep him awake all night. In the morning he again mentions it to the guide who replies, "Oh, you don't want the drums to stop!"

So they journey on until nightfall, when they make camp for the third time. Again he hears the drums. By now he is in such a bad mood that he wakes up the guide to complain about the noise. The guide says, "Oh, you don't want the drums to stop!" "Why, what happens when the drums stop?" "That's when the bass solo starts!"

If you were lost and you came upon a good viola player, a bad viola player and the tooth fairy, which one would you ask for directions? The bad viola player - the other two are figments of the imagination.
The conductor of an orchestra was under the weather, so one of the viola players who had had some conducting experience was asked to conduct the rehearsals. On Friday night, the conductor was still sick, so the viola player conducted the concert. On Monday morning, the conductor was back and the viola player returned to his place in the orchestra. The other viola player who shared his music stand asked: "Where were you all last week?"


Favorite Math Joke(s)

Teaching Math in the 1950's and 1960's:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in the 1970's and 1980's:

A logger sells $100 of lumber and the cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in the 1990's and 2000's:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."

He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."


Favorite Physics Joke

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you!" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.


Favorite Scottish Joke

During World War II, an English spy is sent to Scotland to link up with a spy for a super-secret mission. The English spy is told the village in Scotland where he's to meet the other spy. He's also told that the other spy's name is MacTavish and that when he finds him he's to confirm his identity by saying "The sky is blue." to which MacTavish is to reply "The grass is green."

So he goes to the village in Scotland. As he walks down the main street, he notices that a lot of the businesses are run by people named MacTavish. He decides to try "MacTavish, the Blacksmith".

"I'm looking for Mr. MacTavish."

"I'm MacTavish."

"The sky is blue."

"Oh, you'd be looking for MacTavish, the Spy. He lives across the bridge, second cottage on the right!"


Favorite Racist Joke

The Ku Klux Klan has bought the rights to Gone With The Wind. They're going to show it backwards, so that it has a happy ending!


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